I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
