Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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