Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
