matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
