I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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