You made me cry and you don't even care
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
