you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
In other news, I just burned my penis
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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