there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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