WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
