Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
