Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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