It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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