An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
