Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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