he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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