guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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