Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
