i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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