I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize