Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
