Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Randomize
