he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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