I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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