Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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