Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
