Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
