you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
