He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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