tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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