Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
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