Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize