The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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