i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
