The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
my liver is dry heaving
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
