There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
please come you make the beer taste better
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
