On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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