if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
