Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
