I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
