my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
