Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
