you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
