ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
