im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
