At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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