you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize