I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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