Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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