She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize