The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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