what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
