Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
