Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
