i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
