Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
