one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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