Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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