I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
