That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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