I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
