it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
