and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
